The worst actress in the world returns to fringe theatre with her one-woman show on how to follow her footsteps. Guillermo Nazara reviews this masterclass founded on 30 years of inexperience (or literally a helluva one), to let us know about the tips and lessons he had to unlearn.
Make it gay! Make it gay! Make it GAAAAAAAAAY! I meant, gay as in happy and cheerful. Not that I’m… – you’re not really gonna buy it, are you? Anyway, if you wanna be successful, respected and well-reputed in this business (I’ll leave deciding which one to you), it’s extremely important… not to ever follow Sarah Thom’s lead by any means – unless not when she transforms into her alter ego.
This last week, audiences in Islington were given a mouthful of shit (on my lawyer’s advice, I’ll say that I was only quoting a song) about how to do a good job as a performer. With a triumphant 30-year fringe path that’s certainly allowed her to put a roof over her head (probably collapsing on it more than a few times too), Beak Speaks is the right thing to do if disaster is what you can’t simply give up.
Based on the 7-number rule that some pot-inspired guru came up with (potentially while reflecting on the reptilian conspiracy), The Gillian Beak Technique is all a bunch of bollocks that proves that there’s nothing better (note the irony) than to let a menopausal crone talk. I’ll be a bit more thorough than she was (after all, she’s only had a whole life of unemployment to think about this crap) and summarize my experience in 9 simple taglines (the simple because I know she’ll read it, the 9 because my therapist wants me to overcome my numerical OCD).
How the fuck did she get into acting? She believes that penises must be our core of interest. Well, she’s right in that. Like… very, very, very (enough) right. But you can’t simply have a whole bunch of viewers mimicking the… Well, she did but it was… You catch my drift.
Idiotic concepts. Colours are personalities, pencils are gifts and we’re all connected by a string. I really don’t want to think of what’s kinky for her then… Seriously, venues should start running sanity tests before renting their spaces to “artists”. Just a thought (that thing she still has to grow acquainted to).
Lack of talent. Just listen to her sing… With earplugs on if you can sort them. She was going to be in Les Mis, she said. Well, she would have done justice to the title – that’s for sure.
Appalling journey. After being drawn to the stage to play a snorting drunk sleeping on a chair (by the way, I was SENSATIONAL), I think I’ve lost all of my dignity in this profession… That may have already occurred when I became a critic but that’s another story.
Ritualistic nonsense. Don’t get me on how she says hello. Seriously, don’t get me there. Like there’s crazy, and then there’s CRAZY… A term for her is still nor coined.
Impaired judgement. She said she perceived a warm personality from me. How do you like this post then, huh?
Obnoxious attitude. She’s intense. Like Patti LuPone at the Adelphi’s dressing room intense.
UFO conspiracy supporter? I don’t know – she looks like the kind. Also I wonder if she was the one that inspired the Crazy Cat Lady in The Simpsons.
Say your prayers before and after you go. Because there’s NO WAY you can take this seriously. It’s all been said now.
If your intention is to spend a well-cultured, highly educational evening at the theatre…. Well, good for you, it means you have brains. But as for this show, I think I’ve already been pretty clear. And for those who don’t get sarcasm, just find the hidden word. If that’s also difficult, just go f*ck yourself – I’m sure there’s masterclasses online for that too.