Review of ‘Beauty & The Beast – A Horny Love Story’: “Fur-nomenal fairy tale works like a clogsworth”

The Charing Cross Theatre welcomes back its signature panto season with a fag-tastic new adaptation of the popular children’s story. Guillermo Nazara shares his views on the show to let us know if, in this remake of a tale as old as time, there’s still something there.

It's the festive season, for better or worse,
So pantos are back — the good and the coarse
The family shows brim with gleam and delight
But if you like it filthy, they're all rather shite

It's right on this stage that's based under the arches
That an endless parade of true dirtiness marches
The gays hear its calling, from the West to the East,
It's the tale of a twink Belle and his much hairy beast

First came Aurora, later came Jack,
And now it's Beaumont's piece that's getting the smack
There will be no mercy — this script still has guts
If you hoped for vanilla, hold on to your butts

The jokes are outrageous — there's edge and there's wit
You'll love each offense more than you would admit
The jest is just endless and hardly goes down
Apart from two scenes, this spoof's going to town

The numbers are flashy and often a whopper
Yet, Act One's finale should improve its showstopper
The fun is restored for the whole second half
Where nothing is given but laugh after laugh

The roles are compelling. They're Glasgowian Scots
Who love hitting the pipe — oh, they sure love that lots!
There is no Gaston, no Bimbettes or Lumiere
But the Disney homages can be seen here and there

Instead of a daddy, there's a bold, saucy mum
With a batty-boy son with a tight little bum
The villain is glossy — he hates Sigourney Weaver
And there's also a lesbian who's hunting for beaver

The cast is enchanting — they're pithy and droll
Their excellent timing makes everyone roll
Matt Kennedy shines in the lead role of Bertie,
Who's whimsy and fair while deliciously dirty

Chris Lane adds the spice of a criminal maggot
While flaunting the sass of the lipsiest faggot
Matt Baldwin returns as the insolent dame
His performance remains at the top of his game

With fanciful staging and intricate lighting
The production's as honed as the writing is biting
Not fit for all ages but surely all genders
And you're welcome too, my sweet little benders

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All pictures credit to Steve Gregson.

Beauty & The Beast – A Horny Love Story plays at London’s Charing Cross Theatre until 11 January. Tickets are available on the following link.

By Guillermo Nazara