Review of ‘Million Dollar Quartet’: “Plotless musical features sixteen tons of emptiness”

They’ve got Elvis. They’ve got Johnny Cash. And they’ve got Carl Perkins and Jerry Lee Lewis. The only thing they don’t have is a plot. Call me fastidious, but without one of those, your chances of having a musical are slim—even Andrew Lloyd Webber, despite his dramatically insubstantial Cats and Starlight Express, will tell you that. And if you think that an array of hit songs is enough to sustain this two-and-a-half-hour invitation to mental shutdown, you might want to reconsider your expectations.

In terms of action, there’s nothing. And when I say nothing, I genuinely mean nothing. Sun Records founder Sam Phillips welcomes the audience and introduces us to his wunderkinds. He discovered them all and turned them into stars. So they arrive at the studio and do what the writers thought (for lack of a better word) they were supposed to do: play. Over and over again. And again. And again.

Never mind if the recounting gets more and more pedestrian; they have their numbers, but they soon lose their appeal by being too similar in style and emotion. For an entire act, there’s nothing but exposition, and it doesn’t even play that part adequately. It’s just pointless, uninteresting trivia that doesn’t take us anywhere.

By the time the first half ends (after a questionable showstopper that doesn’t stand out from the rest of the repertoire), we’re exactly where we started. Suffice it to say that we’re not particularly dying to see what happens next. The irony speaks for itself.

The situation barely improves after the interval. The script (calling it that might be a stretch) tries to simulate conflict by showing Elvis, Cash, and Perkins cutting professional ties with Philips. Had it been brought up earlier, it could have been a compelling drama that explores the humanity behind the celebrity while exposing the industry’s brutality.

It’s nothing of the sort. The resolution is laughable at best. Too fast, too heartless, and too irrelevant. Like any other element in its dramaturgy (another generous term in this case), it doesn’t add anything. In the end, the whole thing comes across as an excuse to put a few songs together with no real intention of telling a story, while doing an extremely sloppy job of masking it.

Even if not taken too seriously and regarded as a light, feel-good experience that only wishes to amuse audiences, the piece is a failure. It’s not entertaining at all, and its humour is excruciatingly unfunny. From Elvis’s decision not to work in Vegas ever again to comments such as “you’re playing in F because you’re effing slow”, the eye-rolls are inevitable — with a bit of huffing and facepalming on the side.

I can take solace in the fact that the production will serve as a showcase of the cast’s extraordinary talents. All four leads are remarkably competent singers with superb instrumental skills. And their acting is just as excellent. Christopher Erasmus delivers an exquisite portrayal of Johnny Cash, capturing his essence and mannerisms with uncanny resemblance. Another special mention goes to Joe Bence in the role of Jerry Lee Lewis — for his infectious, high-octane energy and bursting showmanship.

As we stepped into the auditorium, my plus-one innocently stated that nothing could possibly go wrong in a musical with such an electric song collection. Instantly, I warned him about the dangers of a thin book. It didn’t take him long to understand what I meant — and to agree with me wholeheartedly.

And so, Million Dollar Quartet is just an overpromiser that bets all its prospects of success on the work of others without doing anything by itself. The name does provide us with an accurate estimation of its value. That is, as long as you remember that the currency is currently at its lowest.

All pictures credit to Alex Trabizi.

Million Dollar Quartet plays at London’s The Arts at Marble Arch until 6 December. Tickets are available on the following link.

By Guillermo Nazara