Review of ‘The Liar, The Bitch and The Wardrobe’: “No room to the imagination”

C. S. Lewis’s beloved children’s book gets butchered up in this hilarious adult panto giving a fag-tastical makeover the original tale. Guillermo Nazara shares his views on the show, to let us know if this not too straightforward adaptation of the classic novel keeps up the fairy dust.

This made me happy
This made me happy loads
This made me happy, and its growth was exponential
'Cuz it's so homosexual

You will be happy
You will be happy too
You will be happy with that drag's big breast implantoes 
If you like filthy pantos

So though I know your life is shit
You'll love this panto - each bit

(Picture me adopting a tragic hero position, like when you're not in the mood to bottom but it's his birthday)

Something has changed in this tale...
Something is not the same
There's still a closet but
Two homos are within its frame

They find a land of wonder
Its name's always scored by brass
Has crones, fauns and a lion
With a massive ass

This is a dirty twist on Narnia lore
They've made a dirty twist on Narnia lore
And everyone's a whore!

Can I suggest you prepare
For overly sexual entendres?

Don't think the writing's lazy
Or could become a bore
'Cuz you'll be cracked each minute
And find yourself begging for more

Every joke is always spot on
Brilliant timing, endless shock
Each gag's dark and delicious
Like my favourite... hawk

This is a dirty twist on Narnia lore
You'll praise this dirty twist on Narnia lore
The fun's pegged to its core

Unlimited
The cast's skills are unlimited
They're playing each role with such amazing strength and flair

Glinda...
They won't bring that dickhead
But they'll sure sing Wicked
All-gay tunes, for all you care

Cuz it's a dirty twist on Narnia lore
Can't top this dirty twist on Narnia lore
Or stop your urge to roar

I hope you'll like it
And you'll agree with me
I hope that soon you'll see
My thoughts are not too bumptious
Just because I'm wise and scrumptious
I hope you'll think this show's no waste
Cuz otherwise you've bad taste

So if you care to giggle
Just try some fingering fun
But if you want to cackle
This show will help like no other one

For if you look for sharpness
And savageness non-stop
There's nowhere else to turn to
You know by which place you'll drop

Just check this dirty twist on Narnia lore
Revere this dirty twist on Narnia lore
Afterwards you can go for a flip-flop

And no more shows
In London town
With either buffoons or a clown
Will ever make you laugh so much!
Sooooo muuuuuch!
Ah ah ah ah ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! (Things are getting real now...)

The Liar, The Bitch and The Wardrobe plays at London’s Turbine Theatre until 22 November. Tickets are available on the following link.

By Guillermo Nazara