Review of “tell me straight//aggy”: “Double bill is twice as bad”

This really tried my patience. More than the annoying slow walkers taking up the entire width of the pavement. More than the self-unaware people who think everyone on the bus wants to listen to their trashy song selection. And more than the house invasion I’m currently dealing with in my personal life (I’m not making this up).

There’s nothing remotely good in tell me straight//aggy, a queer-themed double bill that cements the idea that the vast majority of gay theatre is utterly appalling. This is probably the most infuriating thing about it: how carelessly these stories are built. They should matter as much as, or even more than, others, but they inevitably fall into oblivion because of poor dramaturgy, flat acting, and a general lack of originality.

Those are actually the three cornerstones of both plays. And other than the set, which isn’t a design marvel but is at least satisfactory, there are virtually no redeeming features to justify putting these shows on — or coming to see them. They are pedestrian at best and lifeless at worst. They have no entertaining value. Most importantly, they don’t say anything that hasn’t already been said a thousand times — and a thousand times better.

The first one takes us through the many random sexual encounters of a young gay man living in London. Big f*cking deal (pun intended). It’s exactly what you’re imagining, only worse: nothing happens apart from him being pounded over and over again (the fun way and the heartbreaking way), falling into melodramatic desperation until he finally meets the one.

No unique vision, no compelling characters, and possibly some of the most boring scenes I’ve witnessed in a very long time. Add a generous dose of woodenness from its lead actor and author, Paul Bradshaw, and the recipe for insipidness is good to go. But if that isn’t enough to numb your theatrical taste buds, its endless roster of witless, unfunny jokes will certainly help remove the spice even further.

The following act presents us with a more childish script. A young, interracial gay couple clash over their views of inherited privilege. It’s a good starting point, but its excruciatingly clunky dialogue, one-dimensional characters, and dreadfully executed plot let all its potential go down the drain.

Suddenly, the protagonist, a young painter frustrated with his career, comes out as non-binary and starts hanging out with a queer influencer as part of his journey of self-discovery. Two sequences later, he’s accused of faking his identity to get social media traction, so his work finally takes off.

Not a bad conflict, but it unfurls in a way that’s extremely superficial, driftless, and lanky. We couldn’t care less about what’s happening, although it’s not like much happens in the first place. Furthermore, lead actors Jean-Luke Worrell and Matthew Jordan have no chemistry, and their performances are exceedingly one-note, shallow, and hardly credible.

Not everything needs to be perfect. But by the same logic, not everything needs (or must) be onstage. Although it’s vitally important to support new writing, some standards should be established — and none of these pieces meet even the lowest. Despite their short running time (roughly 65 minutes each), audiences were subjected to a long evening of dreariness yesterday. And I can guarantee the only amusement my plus-one got came from watching me react to it from time to time.

All pictures credit to Zoë Birkbeck.

tell me straight//aggy plays at London’s King’s Head Theatre until 14 November. Tickets are available on the following link.

By Guillermo Nazara